i just need to vent, this is not necessarily something you'll want to read, its sad, and depicts my emotional struggle as i deal with something i never thought would happen to me, something that keeps me up half the night trying to heal myself. you have been warned.

I am hurting so much right now. all i can think about is how excited i was (we were) that we would have another baby. i ordered a bunch of clothes from old navy.com, i had gotten a car seat from a friend, we were looking at baby names and just imagining what life would be like with 2 kiddos running around. i was hoping for a girl, wanting the closeness of a mothr-daughter relationship one of these dys when michael is too old for mommy kisses and stuff. i was trying so hard to do everything right with this pregnancy because the first time around i was in denial and didnt think about anything until a month or 2 into it. i just felt like we would have the perfect family and life would be great.
the night i noticed a little spotting, i automatically panicked because i automatically thought the worst. went and had blood work done and was sent home. the next morning somthing was undeniably wrong and after several hours at teh ER my worst fears were confirmed.
and i know the reasons miscarriages happen, im well educated on this as i am someone who researches things. but it doesnt make it hurt any less. i meanm, theres the physical pain of course. then the emotional pain, which i dont feel part of the day and then later, like now, i do. the fact that this little person never had a chance. we were going to name her (im convinced it wouldve been a her) Angel, i guess that was fitting enough now. my little angel in heaven, would have been born in october. I would have wrapped her up and held her, let michael help me get her bottles and things, and i wouldve sat back and felt like this was the life i had always seen for myself. i know that i can always try again, but that will never bring this one back. i was so attached already. and its not like i know a lot of people i can go to and talk to about everything. and not necessarily that i want to talk.
i just want the pain to ease up. i dont physically hurt now, that part is over. i just want the sadness to ease up as i know it will. this is evrey bit as bad as when matt died and my grandmother. its not something you can understand unless youve been there. mike has been wonderful, and i know why i love him so much. but now i neeed to start healing, and part of that for me was writing this here. another part is i think i will get one of those mother necklaces or something along those lines with michaels birthstone and the unborn baby, just something so i can somehow feel somewhat close to her... and maybe one of these days we will try again, but right now i cant fathom it... thinking this could happen again scares me, but knowing thats rare is a little more comforting. i dont know, maybe michael is meant to be an only child. time will tell...
if you are still reading at this point, im surprised. i put this as public so maybe someone will see it and know theyre not alone... or something. but i needed to do this mainly for me.